Holiday Guide 2009: Have a Jew Christmas: What to choose for the chosen people

Being Jewish on Christmas isn't nearly as bad as you think. Christmas in the U.S. is so secularized that most of our cultural associations with yuletide cheer have far more to do with embarrassing sweaters, pine trees and reindeer than with the birth of Jesus Christ. Case in point: myself. I was raised in a Jewish home in which we celebrated Christmas morning—tree, mall visits to Santa and all—until I was 9 years old. I didn't even know that it was a religious holiday until sometime in the third grade. And since Jews have such an affinity for Christmas, it's important not to exclude your Jewish friends from your shopping list. Here are some gifts that will make them plotz*:

Bob Dylan's Christmas in the Heart
For reasons unknown, Jews love singing Christmas songs. This year, Dylan joins Neil Diamond, Barbara Streisand and Kenny G on the list of Jews who've released a Christmas album. If you ever wanted to know what it was like to get drunk and sing carols with the man himself, here's your chance. Your Jewish friends will love hearing Bob do his best Bing Crosby as he croons carols the likes of "Little Drummer Boy" and "Winter Wonderland."

Authentic Corned Beef and Pastrami Shipped From New York
No offense to any of our local delis, but the sun is likely to rise in the west before you find corned beef and pastrami cured and pickled to perfection like that of New York's Katz's Delicatessen—the holy temple of protein. At $23.75 per pound, they'll ship anywhere in the United States. Wanna go the extra mile? Include a knish.

The Big Book of Jewish Conspiracies by Joshua Neuman
This quirky coffee table book pokes fun at the Jews' worldwide detractors, by satirically taking all conspiracy theories cast upon them at face value—from Moses' nefarious intentions to foster the state of Israel via exodus, to masterminding the 9/11 attacks.

The Woody Allen Collection, Set 1Woody Allen is perhaps the American Jew's greatest pop-cultural ambassador—what Mel Gibson is to Gentiles. This DVD set includes early only-Jews-can-truly-get-it classics such as Annie Hall, Manhattan, Bananas, Stardust Memories and more.

Mel Gibson Punching Bag
After confirming post-Passion of the Christ charges from Jews that he's an anti-Semite via a drunken tirade to Malibu police in 2006, Mel Gibson is one of the most hated personalities on the living side of Adolf Hitler. They don't manufacture a Gibson punching bag yet, but they should—it would result in Jews stampeding into Walmart on Black Friday. Until then, this one will take some effort. I suggest purchasing a hanging Everlast punching bag along with a $25 dollar gift certificate to craft store Michael's for supplies with which to paint Gibson's Jew-hating face—Braveheart blue-and-white is suggested.

A Gift Certicate to a Chinese Restaurant
You must've seen this one coming from miles away. For those of you who like your Jewish friends, but not enough to invite them over for Christmas dinner, do them a kindness and send them to the one place you know will be open—Chinatown or August Moon, both in Green Hills.

*plotz: to burst, explode.