Nashville teams have gotten downright frightening just in time for Halloween

It has been a horrific month for the sports teams that attract the most attention in this part of the world.

The Tennessee Titans became an NFL laughingstock. Vanderbilt's football team lost its bowl-making magic of a year ago, and Tennessee came achingly short in attempts to recapture its glory with an upset of Florida and/or Alabama. The Nashville Predators stumbled through their second-worst opening 10 games ever.

Chances are that those on and connected to those teams (and some others) have had little opportunity to plan for Halloween. Thus, we offer the following costume suggestions.

• Bobby Johnson should dress up as Urban Meyer.

Just once, Vanderbilt's football coach ought to experience how it feels to have superior talent and a reasonable margin for error going into a football game.

Consider that this past Saturday his team did not commit a turnover, the other team had 50 percent more penalties and his special teams won the battle of hidden yardage – yet the Commodores still lost to South Carolina.

Of course he'll need a wig. Is it any wonder Johnson's hair is all gray and Meyer's is not?

• Any one of the Predators' forwards can pretend to be Luc Robitaille.

Let's be honest here, given the team's current offensive woes, no one really could pull off Wayne Gretzky or Mario Lemieux.

Robitaille, on the other hand, earned the nickname "Lucky Luc" during an NHL career in which he played more than 1,400 games and scored just shy of 1,400 points.

Bouncing pucks routinely found their way to his stick, usually when he was in prime scoring position. Much more often than the law of averages allows, his shots that hit the post went in rather than bounced out of harm's way.

It's clear that this team only can be so good offensively. It needs all the luck it can get.

• Alge Crumpler ought to sport the Lester Hayes look.

After all, the Tennessee Titans' tight end has had some issues with fumbles at inopportune times. There was the one against the Ravens in the playoffs, which brought an end to the team's 2008 season. Then a remarkably similar one on the first drive against the Colts two games ago seemingly started a stretch in which the team since has been outscored 90-9.

Hayes, of course, was the Oakland Raiders' defensive back who famously kept a gooey adhesive dubbed "stick'em" on his socks so he could rub it on his hands throughout the game — an act that later was deemed illegal by the league.

That type of goo would have to be good for Crumpler.

• Get Jonathan Crompton a Tee Martin outfit.

At 6-foot-4, 228 pounds, the University of Tennessee senior certainly looks the part of an SEC quarterback.

Somehow, though, he can't seem to produce the big victories the way Martin once did – either directly or indirectly. Think about it. When Martin was quarterback, good things happened. For example, Arkansas' Clint Stoerner put the ball on the ground.

With Crompton under center for the Volunteers, Alabama's Terrence Cody blocks two field goal attempts in a single game, the second after Crompton got his team in field goal position with a 23-yard pass completion.

Dressed as Martin, Crompton might even be cheered by UT fans.

• The obvious choice for Sally Reese is a Marcel Marceau getup.

No doubt, this would be the ex post facto choice of her husband, former Titans' general manager Floyd Reese.

Sally created news and ruffled feathers last week with her unfiltered, unsubstantiated rant on a local sports talk radio show. She took shots at coach Jeff Fisher, other members of team management and even some players.

Of course, even dressed as the world famous mime, Mrs. Reese could make her point simply and effectively. All it takes is a single finger.

• For Mark McGwire, might we suggest the Pinocchio look?

Perhaps that way we'll know whether the former home run champion is telling the truth about something, or anything.

He was hired by St. Louis as the Cardinals' hitting coach early this week, which put him back in the public eye for the first time since his pitiful 2005 appearance before Congress. The questions have not vanished in that time. If anything, his disappearing act only caused them to intensify.

McGwire swung a big stick in his day. A big nose seems to suit him better at this time.

Email editor@nashvillescene.com.