Marsha Marsha Marsha! (Blackburn, that is)

Why, Perez? Why?
Awwwwww. Perez Hilton doesn't like us. He thinks we's backwoods rednecks who ain't so gud at talkin' and book-lurnin' and all that stuff.

In a post on the gossip's website last week, "Ain't No Recession in Nashville," Hilton discusses Alan Jackson putting his house on the market for $38 million. Hilton refers to the singer as "Shit-kickin' country western singer Alan Jackson," and adorns a photo of Jackson with the quote, "Drop the price? Shoot, no!"

Then he offers this advice: "We'd stay put in that mansion of yours, Alan, because we reckon ain't nobody going to give you one-tenth of that price in this economy!"

"Reckon"? (LOL!)

"Ain't nobody"? (ROFLMFAO!)

What an original conceit, Perez! Got us! Good one, buddy! To paraphrase an old Seinfeld episode, it's not that Hilton's comments offend us Southerners—they offend us as comedians.

Sure, in the douchebag pantheon, Hilton is fairly innocuous. He's no match for Kim Jong-il or Josef Fritzl, for instance. Still, in the subcategory "Douchebags Who Haven't Killed or Tortured Anyone," he's a top contender. Although he does deserve credit for breaking the news of Fidel Castro's death. Oh wait, he's not dead.

And Hilton is still reeling from his all-time douchebaggiest moment (and that's saying a lot)—suggesting that Michael Jackson's cardiac arrest was a stunt so the singer could bail on his comeback tour. Hilton lost 800,000 Twitter followers in the ensuing controversy, which just goes to show that even fans of talentless bottom-feeders have their standards.

Next week on perezhilton.com: Alan and Michael Jackson were long lost half-brothers, sons of rockabilly pioneer Wanda Jackson. Jack Silverman

That crazy Marsha
Rep. Marsha Blackburn believes President Obama was "legitimately elected" and "meets the qualifications to hold office," her flack says. But she's signed onto legislation to require future presidential candidates to show their birth certificates to establish they meet the Constitutional requirements to serve. Why not?

Blackburn's spokesman Claude H. Chafin defends his boss for her commonsense decision to align herself with tin-hatters, far-right frothers and paranoid kooks, who've been pitching the theory that Obama is foreign-born and thus not a legitimate president. Says Chafin: "Most Americans are probably surprised that they don't" have to document meeting the requirement. "A lot of people expressed surprise to her since (last year's presidential campaign) that people don't have to actually document anything."

But Rhodes College political science professor Marcus Pohlmann says that by raising the issue, "she certainly is painting herself into the far right corner. Normally you don't propose a solution unless there's a problem; so what's the problem?...It seems an odd one to pull out of the blue in a preemptive way."

Um, professor, Blackburn lives in the far-right corner. She never comes out of there. Did you see what she said about cow farts? Jeff Woods

Robin Smith, baggage lady
Former Tennessee Republican chairwoman Robin Smith went trudging around southeast Tennessee last week to announce her congressional candidacy and—surprise of all surprises!—somebody asked her about all that baggage she was lugging along behind her.

Bill Poovey of the Associated Press had the audacity to bring up the infamous news release she sent as state GOP chair that used Barack Obama's middle name, "Hussein," and showed him in traditional African clothing. Smith bristled, calling the question "unprofessional" and said it was "liberal media" trying to embarrass her.

"This is not what this (congressional campaign) is going to be about," she said.

Really? Somehow, Pith suspects Paula Flowers, the only Democrat in the race so far, is going to make a really big deal about that press release before this campaign is over. Jeff Woods

Klan State Park
You know that big embarrassing Nathan Bedford Forrest statue on I-65? That one that in addition to being really offensive is also really ugly? Well, it's on private property and there's really nothing anyone can do about it.

But hey, did you know we have a whole state park named after the first Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, too? Tiny Eva, Tennessee is home to the Nathan Bedford Forrest State Park: it's got cabins, campgrounds, 30 miles of hiking trails, and schoolchildren can learn about "Birds of Prey, Civil War History, River Culture, Native Plants & Animals, Nature Films and Indian Life."

Forrest was the Confederate General at the nearby Battle of Johnsonville—but still. The park was established in 1929 and that decade, when not busy with flappers and bathtub gin, also saw Klan membership reach 6 million. Coincidence? Probably (not). Ashley Spurgeon