Maximize your Bonnaroo experience by sticking to what (and who) you know

Best. Bonnaroo. Ever.

Not only have we been hearing that a lot this year, the lineup is deep enough so that, if you wanted, you could get through the 'Roo without ever seeing a band that doesn't hit your sweet spot just right, and without ever getting sweaty with a crowd that freaks you out (or freaking out a crowd that sweats your style). With that in mind, we've compiled this unscientific and somewhat reductive guide to self-identifying yourself through the grassy heat of Bonnaroo 2009.

Look at This, Fucking Hipster
If you don't get to Manchester Thursday, it's cool, because Friday is your big day.

Start with the Dirty Projectors, even though that gives you a scant 15 minutes—assuming things are running on time—to get from That Tent to Which Stage for Animal Collective, where you can tell yourself you're not watching a jam band. If you're more of a back-in-the-day (2006) hipster, stick around for Yeah Yeah Yeahs. If you're more of a 2009, blue-blood-loving hipster, get over to This Tent for Grizzly Bear. (Stimulants are recommended unless you're the coolest of the cool, in which case this band is apparently interesting.) TV on the Radio, then Beastie Boys get you to 10 p.m., when it'll be time to grab some Whole Foods, pick your "Top 5 Bands I Saw at Bonnaroo Today" on Facebook and update your blog. Here's how your entry will start: "Kinda bummed I missed St. Vincent, but A.C. was totes epic." The rest of your night is at That Tent: Phoenix, Crystal Castles, Girl Talk. Boom, boom, ironic boom.

Sleep in Saturday, because that's what you do, and because there ain't shit until 3:30 (p.m.) when Bon Iver goes on. (You saw Chairlift on Thursday, or in Brooklyn once.) Of Montreal and The Decemberists take you to 8:30, when you can break for food while reloading on drugs and being happy all the old people and their fucking Crocs are watching Bruce Springsteen. Upload some camera phone vids ("sorry for the shitty quality"), catch up on Twitter and take a little disco nap before rinsing your pits and heading off for Yeasayer and MGMT.

Whoa, did you try crack last night? Hilarious! It's cool, though. Sunday's kind of laid-back, so maybe you catch AA Bondy and Ted Leo, maybe you go on a vision quest while looking for a latte. Andrew Bird plays Which Stage at 4:15, so practice your best meaningfulcore dance moves (i.e. standing there trying to seem smart) before checking him out. Soon after, you'll be faced with your first really tough choice of the weekend—Band of Horses or Neko Case? If you have trouble making up your mind, just complete this sentence: "I guess it would be kinda awesome in a way if I somehow ended up in a sex tape with _______ that got posted on Paper Thin Walls and then the link was re-tweeted by all my friends."

And remember: There's a full-length mirror waiting for you at home!

The Heritage Connection
With no fewer than four Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees slated to take center stage at Bonnaroo 2009, it's safe to say that in its eighth year, the festival has managed to make it all the way out of the jam-band pigeonhole and establish itself as the nation's premier music event. While this is by no means the first year to feature rock royalty—Bob Dylan, Tom Petty and The Police, among others, have graced the Bonnaroo stages—it is the year in which legacy acts dominate. With appearances by veteran rockers—and rollers—the likes of David Byrne (who's curating his own stage), Al Green, Merle Haggard, Elvis Costello and the biggest headliner the festival has had to date, Bruce Springsteen, this is your daddy's Bonnaroo.

The next generation of twilight rockers aren't far behind though, as the festival will boast performances from The Beastie Boys, themselves only two years away from Hall of Fame eligibility, and Nine Inch Nails who—with 2009 marking the 20th anniversary of their seminal debut Pretty Hate Machine's release—have witnessed their audience go from teen angst to midlife crisis. Throw in Robyn Hitchcock and the Venus 3—whose members' other band, R.E.M., would be a great fit to headline the festival next year—and you've got yourself quite an impressive onslaught of pop music history to experience in the oppressive Tennessee heat.

Given that most twentysomethings get priced out of going to see acts like Springsteen or Costello, playing Bonnaroo will provide these artists with a massive audience who have never seen them before—a prospect that E Street Band guitarist Steve Van Zandt says he looks forward to: "I love the fact that we're playing to, I don't know, probably half of the audience who maybe never even heard of us; some have certainly never heard us. And that's nothing but fun and nothing but exciting."

He's not the only one who's excited, as at this point it's almost universally accepted that anyone—regardless of age—who considers themselves a devotee of rock music should witness the spectacle of Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band playing "Born to Run" live at least once in their lifetime. But to see it as prelude to Trent Reznor wanting to "fuck you like an animal"? Now that's unique.