Please give a 30-day notice before you die

Evil Inc.
Windlands Center, a nursing home in White House, Tenn., has a strict policy about security deposits and dying: If you think you might be on your way out, you better tell us if you want your money back.

When 81-year-old Lucille Harrell expired and broke her contract, the nursing home kept $900 of her deposit. Hey, her time on this earth is our money, right?

Manager John McCrory told WSMV: "If they see they are having lots of problems, I even recommend they give 30-day notice at that time. That way it'll cut off some of the costs."

Responds Harrell's son Randy: "This came on so suddenly, who knows to give a notice like that?"

Tough. In the nursing home biz, old people are fungible commodities. Brantley Hargrove

Mr. Fraud goes to Washington
Liberals are slapping their knees in delight over the choice of Rick Scott (of Columbia/HCA infamy) to head up Conservatives for Patients' Rights, a new group planning to spend $20 million to derail President Obama's health-care reforms. If they want to lose the PR war on this one, the opponents couldn't have picked a better spokesman.

Scott is truly Health Care Enemy No. 1, as The Nation calls him. Operating right here in Nashville (aren't we proud!), Columbia/HCA defrauded taxpayers by fudging Medicare and Medicaid expense reports, and paid $1.7 billion in civil settlements, the biggest fine ever. Scott was forced to resign as CEO but wafted away with a golden parachute. Jeff Woods

Donna Rowland's hypocrisy
When Rep. Donna Rowland condemned all those congratulatory resolutions that the legislature is always passing, pointing out that they cost taxpayers more than $300,000 this session alone, Pith in the Wind let out a cheer. Finally, someone was speaking out against this ridiculous jackassery.

But now comes news that Rowland hasn't been perfectly forthright on this issue. She neglected to mention she passed a resolution in 2007 honoring her current boyfriend, Murfreesboro arms merchant Ronnie Barrett.

"That's one of a handful I passed since my freshman year," Rowland, R-Murfreesboro, tells the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. "It was my attempt to honor an outstanding individual in the community."

Rowland goes on to say she wasn't dating Barrett at the time she sponsored the resolution. "We were both married to other people," she says.

Democrats aren't satisfied and they're yukking it up about Rowland's hypocrisy. But the real issue is Pith's loss of innocence. We feel so cheap. Jeff Woods

Will work for liquor
With one in five people without jobs, Perry County is suffering one of the worst unemployment rates in the country. Gov. Phil Bredesen and members of his Cabinet are going there this week to map strategy to help.

Local leaders think tourism could replace the lost manufacturing base, and the county's state legislators already are offering one solution: free-flowing booze. The House is considering a bill to let Perry County businesses sell cocktails, bypassing a liquor-by-the-drink referendum and the usual ranting and raving by Bible-thumpers. Jeff Woods

The Titans' line
If you're one of the 14 Americans who still has a savings account, you've probably been bombarded lately with shady financial advice. Convert your assets to gold. Buy shares of Google. Hoard Snuggies. And so on.

But Pith is here to tell you that, in the midst of a depression, there's only one surefire way to get a solid return on your investment: sports gambling.

Vegas just released over/unders for the 2009 NFL season. They've got the Titans at an enticingly low 9.5. For those responsible readers out there, that means you'd earn money if you bet the "over" and the Titans win 10 games. And despite a brutal schedule, we think that's something they're more than capable of doing.

Yes, we lost All-World DT Albert Haynesworth to the Redskins and defensive whiz Jim Schwartz to Detroit. But we also upgraded at wide receiver with free agent Nate Washington and draft pick Kenny Britt. And have you seen LenDale White lately? Dude says he lost 25 pounds in the off season. Which brings him that much closer to looking like a professional athlete and not the guy who won't tuck in his shirt for fear of framing his gut. Caleb Hannan