Rebel Yell

If you're the industrious type, then by the time you reach college, you've already adopted anywhere from three to five "difficult" identities. You've been a Satan-worshipping Goth kid, turned vegan for a year, or copped an authentic late-'70s punk look. All that cantankerous pomp served but two glorious purposes: to annoy those around you, and to establish with unwavering certitude that you, in fact, are different. Rules are for sheep, dude—and you're a devil-may-care, capital-I Individualist.

How easy it was to shock the elders back in those high-school glory days—dye your hair green, light a clove cigarette, toss on an all-black ensemble, and sit back and wait for the shock and awe to rain down (or at least for mall security to give you the stinkeye over their Cinnabons). All those disapproving glances, guffaws and ass-kicking threats at your unwillingness to toe the party line made it worth every delicious, grudging moment.

But thanks to the Internet's widespread confessional bent and bare-all reality TV, yesterday's gasp of outrage is today's seen-it-all yawn. (When premier shock weirdo Marilyn Manson turns down a reality show, you know it's passé.) What used to be surefire ways to spike the blood pressure of anyone over 30—a little vandalism, biting the head off a chicken, a nose ring—hardly elicits a raised eyebrow now.

Tattooing? Your mom has a butterfly tramp stamp. Piercings? A sorority girl's drunken indiscretion. Mohawks? That just means you're the fun guy at the upstart software company. Bi for a semester? Why not just admit you listen to the Indigo Girls. It makes you wonder what the hell a rabble-rouser can do anymore to stand out from the throngs of pierced and tattooed nonconformists we now call mainstream society.

Fear not: it can still be done. With a little subtlety and a lot of moxie, you too can shock upstanding citizens by taking everything generations past have mastered and pushing it one ridiculous, preening step forward—and you don't even have to split your tongue. A few suggestions:

Irony: There's bound to be a vial or two of vintage blood to be squeezed from the fake appreciation of shitty stuff. But since hipsters have already cornered the market on mixing cruddy lowbrow crap (Weekend at Bernie's, PBR, Def Leppard, ugly mustaches) with high-class high-end crap (sailing, preppy clothes, local ingredients, designer handbags), you'll have to take it to a new level. I say ironically embrace only middle-class cultural touchstones—Budweiser, O'Charley's, Robin Williams movies, lawn maintenance and Hamburger Helper. People won't know what the hell to think, and that's as good as rebellion gets anymore.

Advantage: Keeps people guessing, is this guy/gal serious?

Drawback: Get too comfortable with this, and you run the risk of turning into your parents way ahead of schedule.

Freak Like Me: Yes, bikers and grandmothers alike may have flaming skull-and-crossbones tats on their biceps. But only the truly rebellious have what artists in the biz call "job breakers"—tattoos on the face, hands and neck that can't be easily hidden. Ever since Tower Records went under, though, few rebels can afford to risk the job market to express themselves. Relax. Really grotesque imagery can still be a lifesaver. Brains, blood, gore and anything related to the subculture of horror movies still tell the world you answer to no one. Nothing says rebellion like a tattoo of a giraffe choking a small child.

Advantage: Dude, that's hardcore.

Drawback: Potential employer may say, "Well, your résumé looks great—wait, is that a zombie Jesus feasting on a baby's brains on your neck?"

Go off the Grid: You're no Thoreau, but that doesn't mean you can't take one look at traditional living and think better of it. Try living in the woods for a while—not only is it cheaper, but showing up to class with brambles in your hair is a surefire conversation starter. As for virtual life, the digital age has turned us all into desperate little lemmings. When your council member has an iPod, a Facebook account and a Jay-Z ringtone, the only thing left to do is go all Unabomber. Tout the superior days of landlines and dial-up, and profess to only look at that newfangled Internet once a month. While everyone else follows basic hygiene rules, distinguish yourself by remaining inexplicably unkempt. Yes, hippies already did that, but it's been, like, 40 years since that happened (and they actually had political ideals). Extra points for stuffing your money in the mattress—who needs the government tracking how often you eat at O'Charley's?

Advantage: Learn the self-sufficient living techniques you'll need after the government collapses.

Drawback: Try getting a job, lease or electricity when the government doesn't collapse.

Adopt a Fringe Religion: At this point, being Christian, Muslim, Buddhist or Jewish sends one simple message: You're just like everybody else! Wait a second—nobody knows what Baha'i is all about, right? It's just some world religion that's totally into universal connectedness and stuff—but all you need to know is that fewer than 1 percent of the population practices it. (Bummer alert: You're not supposed to drink. But who has the time to Wikipedia that shit? You don't even know what Wikipedia is!) Bonus points for becoming a Sikh, particularly because the wearing of the ceremonial dagger in schools has become a hot-button issue.