A weekly roundup of embarrassing behavior

Capitol sizzling over troopergate
For embarrassing behavior, the state's troopergate scandal is a target-rich environment.

Let's begin with Tennessee Highway Patrol Lt. Ronnie Shirley. He's the same guy who got caught a few years ago trying to fix a speeding ticket for Dave Cooley, who at the time was Gov. Phil Bredesen's top aide. Now Shirley finds himself under investigation for making unauthorized criminal database checks on 182 people for reasons that aren't yet clear, but we're guessing his motives probably won't turn out to be altruistic.

Then there's the governor, who assured us that he'd cleaned up corruption inside the Safety Department, which has been a cesspool for cronyism and political favoritism. Now Bredesen is pooh-poohing troopergate as mere nosiness on the part of the politically connected Shirley. It's an isolated incident, the governor keeps telling us, and no reason to cause concern. Right.

The only names known so far to be on Shirley's "enemy's list" are Tennessean reporter Brad Schrade, whose coverage has harassed Shirley for years, and Highway Patrol Lt. Robert Eckerman. His offense? According to his lawyer, he's a Republican who claims in federal lawsuits—along with several other troopers—that they face a hostile work environment due to their political affiliations. And yes, Eckerman once gave Cooley a ticket for causing a fender-bender outside the Capitol.

We're beginning to notice a pattern here.

Finally, let's not forget the gleeful Republicans who have been hoping to tar Democrats with this scandal, shamelessly grandstanding for the media at every opportunity. So far, it hasn't worked out too well.

House GOP leaders were stupid enough to go public with their suspicion that Shirley broke into their offices, leaving behind expunged arrest records for GOP House candidate A.J. McCall of Lebanon. Turns out, it wasn't Shirley but a Democratic political operative who dug up the dirt. He promptly confessed his sin. Matter of fact, he was quite proud of it, pointing out that (a) he dropped off the records in the middle of the day when the Republicans were out to lunch and (b) the records are publicly available at the Wilson County Courthouse, which is where he got them.

What's more, the records showed McCall has been arrested twice for drunken driving. The first time, a woman told police he had been trying to make her get into his van in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Again, we're just guessing here, but this probably is not what the party means by "family values."

Until House leaders brought attention to it, McCall's trouble with the law would have been relegated to some 11th-hour attack mailer that most voters would have tossed in the garbage. Now, it's getting all kinds of attention, and he's got some explaining to do.

The moral of this story? Once the bullets start flying in a political scandal, it's best to shut up and cover your head. You never know who might go down.

Marsha's big Arctic adventure
Congresswoman Marsha Blackburn went on a fact-finding mission to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. She stepped off the plane, looked around and didn't see much. That convinced her that we ought to drill for oil there.

"When I went to ANWR I expected to see a pristine wilderness teeming with wildlife who knew that this tiny refuge was their only safe haven," she says. "What I discovered was a broad area just a little bit smaller than the state of Tennessee. The nearest mountain is 30 miles away and the closest tree is 70 miles past that.... I return to Tennessee even more convinced that we need to drill here and drill now."

Actually, congresswoman, there's stuff in the wildlife refuge (hence the name "wildlife"). Lots and lots of birds, caribou, polar bears and grizzlies, wolves, foxes, wolverines and even these bizarre ancient-looking creatures called musk oxen. Trust us, Marsha. Wildlife is there.

What did you expect, a petting zoo? Wildlife is sometimes hard to find. Animals are weird that way. The Arctic isn't like Brentwood, where the Starbucks and the nail salon and everything is within easy driving distance in your SUV. Somebody probably should have explained that to you. But that's OK, you'll know better next time.

Thou shalt not build
The Iglesia de Cristo Su Gran Alabanza Assembleos de Dios—a congregation of Hispanic holy rollers—is mierda out of luck.

The congregation bought a large tract of land on Haywood Lane in Antioch for a new church. But neighbors—some using language less than culturally sensitive—weren't exactly pleased with the notion.

"If I'm out layin' by the pool," neighbor David Jones told the Scene, "I'd rather not have to listen to Spanish kids playing soccer."

If you didn't know better, you'd think the gringos didn't want a new bunch of Hispanics in their neighborhood.

At a meeting last week, Metro Board of Zoning Appeals member Fabian Bedne, who also heads the Middle Tennessee Hispanic Democrats, pointed to an email he'd received from one of the neighbors. The note intimated that the church might become a haven for street gangs.

"I find that personally insulting," Bedne said, taking his glasses off with a serious frown. "Why would you assume that a Hispanic church would be a place that gangs would congregate?"