You Are So Nashville If...

Every year, Nashville, we ask you to complete a sentence following the same five-word phrase: "You are so Nashville if...." And not once have you let us down. Well, there was that one year about a decade or so ago when we didn't pick a winner, and then we criticized you for not being humorous enough. But that's ancient history. Gosh, back then we even liked Bredesen.

This year's batch of entries included the usual mix of clever, lighthearted jabs at country music singers, Metro Council members and East Nashville. But you've also taken a sharp turn toward the dark side, with a series of vicious, well-aimed below-the-belt shots that made us laugh nervously under the fluorescent lights of our conference room. We used to worry that we were too grumpy and cynical for our genteel readers. No worries now.

We don't know if it's the sinking real estate market, the high gas prices or Rob Briley, but many of you are in an awfully bad mood. We have never seen you like this before—and quite honestly, we kinda like it. None of that "Bless your heart" jive for you guys. And even this new surly, straight-shooting side bespeaks a boost in civic pride. This is the type of contest that brings out our city's most adoring citizens, who can laugh at themselves and their flat-lining condos. Only people who cherish their city would apply a paddle this nail-studded to the backsides of its public offenders.

Maybe you're just going through a phase. Maybe next year you'll regale us with recycled Jeff Foxworthy jokes and japes about Old Hickory Boulevard and how no one here ever uses a turn signal. But this year, readers, you didn't hold your fire. Not even some of the city's coolest people were sacrosanct. (We're sorry, Emmylou.) And that, in a way, is so Nashville.

Bless your hearts.

The Winner

Your DUI arrest gets a five-star rating on YouTube. —Roy Moore

2nd Place

You think John Rich is a dick. —Justin Floyd

3rd Place

You had to lock the studio door to keep Emmylou Harris from singing on your album. —Dave Weil

Honorable Mention

It strikes you as more than a little uncomfortable that your city has a fried chicken restaurant near every civil rights memorial. —Lucas Leverett

A judge deemed your juvenile court clerk to be a delinquent. —Wando Weaver

The Spin came to your band's show and reported a "sparse but energetic" crowd. —Larry Mell Morgan Jr.

You thought the Cumberland River was slimier after the Metro Council members swam across it. —Michael Williams

A retired couple and a lapdog in an RV can solve a 14-year-old crime that three police departments and the TBI can't. —Micki Eubanks

Your side project is bigger than your project project. —Larry Mell Morgan Jr.

"Grab Tim McGraw By The Balls" was on your bucket list. —Michael Williams

You think there ought to be a movie called Nashville that people can understand. —Joe Robertson

Instead of coming out to your parents, you just move to East Nashville and assume they will figure it out. —George Oeser

You're dreading seeing Bredesen in his Super Delegate tights. —Thom Abell

You think that Metro government got what they deserved for hiring a security firm named Wackenhut. —Dave Weil

You think Juvenile Court Clerk Vic Lineweaver ought to run for judge, so he could wear a robe to work every day. —Jared Coffin

You're hoping the governor will let you store your priceless Jack Daniel's collection in his fancy cellar. —Joe Robertson

You flew to Austin for SXSW to listen to bands that you could hear any night in Nashville for $5. —Joe Robertson

You can't wait to ride the Moses River Rampage at the new Bible park. —Bret Moran

You saw Ronnie Steine taking a bulb from the large electric menorah display at the Belle Meade Kroger. —Michael Evans

You think Mayor Karl Dean looks just like Fred Flintstone. —Matt Richards

You want Bob Corker to build a border fence through Antioch. —Michael Williams

The Rest

You accepted Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior while watching a Carnival Kia commercial. —Jason and Heath Hinson

What the pastor buys with the church credit card is between him and the man upstairs. —Clifton Kaiser

You want to kick Bobby Flay's ass for beating "The Biscuit Lady" at the Loveless Cafe. —Dave Weil

You complain about the dwindling amount of live music venues but can't wait for the new Urban Outfitters. —Andrew Cole