A Taxing Situation

Love advice from the Scene's resident literary lothario Dear Damian: There is a co-worker I've been lusting after ever since she joined our accounting division. I'd really like to slip her the old 1040 long form, if you know what I mean. But now I'm worried: At what point does workplace flirtation cross the line into sexual harassment? Are there warning signs I should look for?The TaxmanDear Taxman: A co-worker dalliance is a potentially slippery situation (if done right), one that requires the utmost precaution. There are many factors—the dynamics of the relationship, whether she's a subordinate, etc. Even relatively innocent statements can be seen as inappropriate if they are unwelcome. So for starters, you have to gauge your co-worker's feelings about the situation. Is she accruing interest in your romantic gestures?  Do you feel like your capital gains are being recorded on her balance sheet? Or is she writing you off? And how do you tell if she wants to go ahead with the proposed merger? I suggest using what I refer to as the “double entendre method”—but one of those entendres better have something to do with your profession. That way, if your suggestion is unwelcome, you can play it off as a simple misunderstanding. Possible ice-breakers: “Are you interested in any fiscal activity?”  “How tangible are your assets?" And if you're getting positive signals, turn up the heat a little: “How do you feel about double-entry bookkeeping?”If she's interested, then you have to do a risk-benefit analysis. Is she at an age where she's entered into straight-line depreciation? Or will her diminishing value amortize over a greater period of time? Are her deductions large enough to offset her arrears? What are her long-term liabilities? Be sure to address issues of her past relationships and commitment level. Does she have a shaky retention ratio? Will you be the sole proprietor? And if she's a mother, keep in mind that if there are too many subsidiaries, the total cost of ownership could become prohibitive.After you've tallied your ledger sheet, if the bottom line represents a net gain, I see no reason why you shouldn't deposit your funds in her account.But for her sake, please remember: A deferred expenditure is always preferable to an early withdrawal.Need advice from the world's greatest lover? Email damian@nashvillescene.com.