Boner Awards 2007

Hey, the Sign Said ‘Job Opportunities!’In an incident bizarre even by the standards of Bonerdom, security guards were summoned to a third-floor conference room in Cummins Station when a horny nutcase barged in on a business meeting. To the astonishment of the gathered workers, he asked if anyone wanted to give him oral sex. Having tried the subtle approach, police say, he demanded a blowjob, then dropped his pants and brought the meeting to disorder with his manly gavel. Guards caught the 25-year-old with his pants down and detained him until police arrived to arrest him for indecent exposure and trespassing.

Chronic OffenderPolice received several calls about a woman exposing her breasts to customers at a Mapco on Gallatin Road. Officers found the female suspect with her shirt partially pulled up and acting as though she was about to drop trou. When asked what was wrong, the 20-year-old woman said she was “high on life” and that the only thing she had smoked was a little marijuana. She kept shouting, “I am woman,” adding that she was of Native American descent, her “soul was buried in the earth” and she was “of the water.” The cops figured she was of something a little stronger. She was booked for public intoxication, along with disorderly conduct and indecent exposure.

If We Wanted Smoked Meat, We’d Go to Jack’sA male perp was sitting on a bench at Third and Broadway completely nude, genitals exposed, prompting several alarmed pedestrians to call police. When an officer approached, the 39-year-old suspect explained he was simply “sunning the untanned areas.”

TEST YOUR BONER I.Q.

1. Vanderbilt Chancellor Gordon Gee stunned students and faculty alike this year when he:A) cut a hole in a box.B) put his junk in that box.C) made them open the box.D) abruptly departed his post for Ohio State University, just a month after he affirmed his “unwavering and unshakable” commitment to Vanderbilt.

2. Mike Sartain Jr., a Cooperstown resident serving in Iraq, received a bonus for reenlisting in the Army. Last January, evidently moved by the example of his son’s service, Mike James Sartain Sr., 59, decided to:A) enlist himself.B) create Operation Sunshine, a support group for soldiers’ families.C) write the patriotic anthem “Freedom Isn’t Free (Or Dumb).”D) steal a chunk of the money, along with jewelry, guns and savings bonds from his son’s house, and hightail it to Tunica.

3. The Palm, one of Nashville’s ritziest and priciest steakhouses, made the news this year. The reason:A) Steak is full of juicy goodness. This answer is brought to you by the American Beef Council.B) The key to a centuries-old mystery involving Opus Dei, the Vatican and the descendants of Mary Magdalene was found in a caricature of Charlie Chase.C) Lee Greenwood.D) It made a health score lower than a Nolensville Road taco joint, then failed reinspection.

4. Nashville, a glitzy reality “docu-soap” following music-biz hopefuls in Music City, was supposed to bring major-network attention to Middle Tennessee when it premiered last fall on Fox. Unfortunately, the show was:A) aired.B) cancelled for bottom-basement ratings after only two episodes.C) a piece of crap.D) All of the above.

5. In March, a Clarksville woman had nearly $5,000 in goods stolen from her house, including a digital camera whose serial number she had registered with the National Crime Information Center. Police picked up Justin William Toland, 20, after:A) William Petersen constructed his profile from a nose hair and three sweat molecules.B) David Caruso dramatically removed his sunglasses and said, “Crime—it’s not a pretty picture.”C) Gary Sinise said, “Hey, remember me from Reindeer Games?”D) the pinhead posed for a picture for the pawnshop owner who bought the camera.

6. Dotson Randolph, a Franklin alderman and real-estate broker, was hit with a 28-count lawsuit in August after an investigation raised allegations that she:A) wore white after Labor Day.B) failed to recognize Jefferson Davis as the nation’s ruler.C) sold a house in Williamson County to a minority.D) engaged in multiple “crimes of moral turpitude,” including forgery, stalking as many as 10 people, and bombarding one Franklin couple with more than 200 phone calls in December 2005 as well as emails of a “graphic, sexual and vulgar” nature.

7. In one of the sillier legal tussles of the year, William J. Hoak sued state officials last August because he argued the Tennessee Department of Revenue had overtaxed him for something. What was it?A) His stake in the Porter Wagoner rhinestone mines.B) The 28,000 pounds of Wrigley’s gum that actually spilled on an interstate median outside Murfreesboro.C) Scalped Hannah Montana tickets.D) The pot-laced Rice Krispie treats he got busted with at Bonnaroo.

8. Last April, to raise money for his prom tuxedo, a 17-year-old hit upon the masterstroke of sticking up a pizza deliveryman with a BB pistol. Unfortunately for him, the deliveryman was really:A) Walker, Texas Ranger.B) a tuxedo salesman.C) Uthruhu, Hellfire God of Pepperoni.D) an undercover Metro cop, who pretty much canceled his prom plans for the next several years.

Answers: 1-8, D.