Boner Awards 2007

Saith the Lord, ‘I Prefer Her ’70s Stuff’Outside that whole “promised land” thing, God is usually silent on the topic of real estate. But now it seems clear that the Almighty wanted Tanya Tucker to stay in Nashville. The singer sold her Music City home, loaded up a cross-country caravan and headed for Malibu in July. The first hitch came when a U-Haul truck full of jewelry and clothing being driven by her former fiancé, Jerry Laseter, turned up missing. (Laseter and a girlfriend were arrested in Las Vegas six days later; the goods were returned.) Then in October, the area around Tucker’s new home was devastated by the Southern California wildfires. The theological implications were obvious. “It looks like Armageddon,” Tucker told The Tennessean. “It concerns me about what it says in the Bible about earthquakes and fires in the last days. If you believe the Bible, those things are starting to happen, and more frequently. Maybe we should just get ready to go.”

Save My House—Oh, and Don’t Ride a CowboyResidents of Love Circle were incensed to learn in January that John Rich, half of the country duo Big & Rich, intended to build a 73-foot tall, 11,000-square-foot mansion there. The plan inspired a city council proposal to limit the height of area homes to 35 feet—alas, too late to prevent the erection of “Villa Rich,” set for completion in mid-2008. And in October, Rich made certain that roughly 10 percent of his neighbors would like him even less when he equated gay marriage with incest during a radio appearance promoting Fred Thompson’s presidential campaign on The Steve Gill Show. This was indeed surprising, considering Big & Rich’s motto is “Music Without Prejudice” (and let’s not even discuss the implications of Rich’s Village People mustache). Rich quickly half-recanted, explaining that his “father and minister brought me up to believe that marriage is an institution for the union of a man and a woman. However, I also believe that intolerance, bigotry and hatred are wrong.” We read you loud and fuzzy.

Speaking of Showing Your Ass…Darryl Worley became a right-wing media darling when his flag-waving 2003 hit “Have You Forgotten?” helped them do the hard work of selling Middle America on the notion that in order to avenge the Sept. 11 attacks, we just had to go to war with a country that had nothing to do with them. Sadly, history has not recorded whether Sean Hannity or Rush Limbaugh has taken a gander at the July issue of Playgirl, which featured the buff 42-year-old singer entirely in the altogether. (Local gay conservative blogger Michael Bassham wasn’t afraid to weigh in: “He needs a haircut. Otherwise, that’s one fine hunk of a man.”) Worley explained that the shoot was an attempt to tweak what he felt had become his “clean, pristine, all-American” image. The photos featured a full rear view and some daring hip cleavage, but stopped just short of revealing the full Worley—which, if the legends are true, would have required a wide-angle lens.

Next Time, Try ScattergoriesIn Mindy McCready’s world, even a friendly game of Scrabble with your mom ends up looking like an episode of Cops. McCready, who has surely become accustomed to seeing her name prefaced in print by the phrase “troubled country singer,” was matching wordplay wits with mother Melody Inge at the latter’s Fort Myers, Fla., home in July when discussion of a family matter got a little heated. McCready allegedly scratched Inge’s face, and was soon being charged with domestic battery and resisting arrest by Florida sheriff’s deputies (whom she in turn accused of breaking her nose during the arrest). She proceeded to cause a disturbance while being booked at the police station, which ended only when she was pepper-sprayed. McCready happens to have been on probation in Tennessee for a 2004 drug conviction at the time, and so found herself on a plane back to Tennessee, where she was sentenced in September to a year in jail.

ATHLETIC BONERS

Alright, you maggots! Drop and give me 20—Boners, that is.

Then Goodell Made It Rain on His Whole SeasonSummoned to New York City to meet with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell over his chronic inability to avoid late-night visits to strip clubs—and to show cause why he shouldn’t be suspended for the year—Adam “Pacman” Jones visited a strip club in the hours before his appointment, apparently unaware that his whereabouts were known to Goodell. The commish gave him plenty of time to hit the pole: a season-long suspension that put Pac’s NFL career in traction.

All Bals, No BrainsBlackBerry baron, would-be buyer of the Predators, and possessor of the most ridiculed name on local sports radio, Canuck amok Jim Balsillie—a.k.a. Silly Balls, etc.—put his Boner on ice this year when he effectively killed his chances to seal a deal for Nashville’s NHL team after much fatmouthing. His high-sticking masterstroke? His pledge that he would keep the team in Nashville—which sounded somewhat hollow when he announced plans to sell ticket options to fans in Hamilton, Ontario.