Boner Awards 2007

They’re Used to Bombing on Dudley FieldOn Sept. 15, an anonymous caller phoned police and claimed a bomb was going to go off at the Vanderbilt University football game already under way. The call was traced to a cell phone, and officers quickly located the suspect driving along Shelby Avenue in East Nashville. After he was arrested, the perp admitted to placing the phone call but denied making a bomb threat. Instead, he said, he was calling for help and was very angry at the time. The suspect claimed he told the dispatcher that “he felt like a bomb” and that he was going to “go off.” The 56-year-old went off, all right—to jail for making a false report.

A Blunt ConversationAfter her boyfriend came home late one night, police say an enraged 28-year-old woman began chasing him around the house, trying to brain him with a ceramic statue. According to the report, when an officer responded to the domestic dispute and attempted to cuff the suspect, she screamed, “Get your motherfuckin’ hands off me, you cracker-ass cop motherfucker.” Not even that polite entreaty dissuaded the officer from searching her purse—where he found marijuana rolled in a cigar. Luckily, she had a level-headed explanation for that too. “It’s just a motherfuckin’ blunt,” she hollered. “It ain’t no kilo, you cracker-ass cop!” The cracker-ass cop charged her with domestic assault, resisting arrest and drug possession.

Cruising for a BruisingPolice received a report that a black PT Cruiser had just crashed on the 1400 block of Eastland Avenue. When they arrived, a woman claimed she had been shopping at a nearby Kroger when someone stole her PT Cruiser and wrecked it. When she was unable to explain how she got to the accident scene, police noticed her slurred speech and unsteady moves and arrested her. “I didn’t do nothing,” she told the cops—but after admitting to being on several different types of prescription medications, she gave up the truth: “Alright, I wrecked my fucking car.” But the night was far from over. As the officer examined the accident scene, the suspect, 28, managed to escape from the back of the police car while handcuffed. She was located at a friend’s house about two hours later, where she was in possession of 36 pills—including a variety of painkillers—that were prescribed to someone else. The perp was booked for theft, evading arrest, drug possession and driving under the influence. Police also noted in their report that the handcuffs she was wearing were never returned.

Ashes to AssesAfter coming home from vacation, a woman found burglars had ransacked her trailer, stealing a bizarre array of items. The list included dog food, canned goods, frozen food, an extension cord and a videotape—oh yeah, and “an urn containing human remains.” A few days after she filed a police report, officers say the victim was visiting a friend’s apartment when she saw the stolen videotape sitting there. The male suspect, 38, admitted using a screwdriver to break in and steal items with the help of his 19-year-old fiancée. The victim told him she would not prosecute if the urn were returned intact—an extremely generous offer, under the circumstances. Unfortunately, the numbskulled burglar said he got creeped out when he realized what it was, and he gave the ashes their final resting place—in a Dumpster. A corpse-abusing charge was tacked onto the burglary beef.

Bringing a Whole New Meaning to ‘Pissed Off’Police got dragged into a tussle over toilet rights at the Pull-A-Part auto supply store on Centennial Boulevard. The trouble apparently began when a 61-year-old customer asked to use the facilities. According to police, she was told to use the Port-A-John outside—but when another customer asked if a small child could go indoors, the store let them use the employee rest room. The irate woman began berating the employee on duty for the perceived double standard, and when she refused to calm down or leave, the manager called the cops. Because she refused to stand up and place her hands behind her back, the activist for equal-rights peeing was charged with resisting arrest in addition to criminal trespassing.

Lip Him to ShredsInstead of taking a bite out of crime, Lenora Swanson did just the opposite, netting arrest on domestic-assault charges in the bargain. After a heated argument last April between Swanson and her boyfriend, Darry Phillips, about how late he’d been staying out, Phillips reportedly leaned in to kiss and make up. Not only didn’t she pucker up, Swanson, 51, responded by chomping down on Phillips’ lower lip, drawing blood as well as the cops. Remember them both fondly next Valentine’s Day.