Boner Awards 2007

The Man Who Puts the Panic in HispanicTake Alan Keyes, subtract the major-party backing but add 10 tons of crazy, and you’ve got Jim Boyd, the Paul Revere of Brown Peril. In his crapper-bound bid for Metro Council, Boyd tried a novel tactic to scare local voters to the polls: invoking (cue crash of thunder) the myth of Aztlan! This ooh-scary “theory” alleges that Mexican immigrant laborers—which he refers to loudly and often as “the illegal immigrant invasion”—are really one vast sleeper cell waiting to rise up and re-conquer the American Southwest. (That explains why so many are living in Nashville.) He peddled the theory on his website, in spooky homemade YouTube rants, on any blog that would have him, and even once on local TV. Alas—at least where Boners are concerned—Boyd got trounced at the polls, but he’s now pondering a suicide run at either Jim Cooper’s congressional seat or Gary Odom’s in the state House. “So what office will I run for next?” Boyd says. “Who knows?” Who knows? That’s easy (crash)—Aztlan!

Aztlan, Meet AztholeWhat’s Spanish for “sleazebag”? Don’t know, but we bet the picture next to the definition is that of Ismael “Robert” Chavez, former head of the Tennessee Hispanic Chamber of Commerce. A Scene investigation found out that Chavez pocketed a $25,000 small business loan meant for two immigrant business owners, ripped off hundreds of undocumented immigrants by renting them housing at above-market rates, and engineered a wholesale takeover of the Chamber by assuming the role of treasurer and vice president. The chump-change Scarface tried to give himself a $10,000-a-month salary with a $450 car allowance on the chamber’s dime. About a month after the story broke, he was fired from his chamber position and called “a cancer” on the Hispanic community by board members. We think “Boner” also fits the bill.

BONERS DON’T PAY

Take this rogue’s gallery of 2007’s dumbest crooks, dopiest deeds and most dim-witted criminal dumbasses downtown—and book ’em.

Hey, I Didn't Order a Knuckle SandwichA couple at an Arby’s on Gallatin Pike learned the hard way that you don’t stand between a woman and her Roast Beef Deluxe. A customer in the parking lot, evidently experiencing Horsey-Sauce withdrawal, went ballistic when she received someone else’s order by mistake. She approached the couple and demanded they hand over their grub, and when they demurred, she did what any dejected roast-beef lover would do: She grabbed an aluminum baseball bat and charged. Police said the victim’s boyfriend drove out of the parking lot with the angry Arbyphile in pursuit, and he kept going until he slowed to stop for a red light—at which point the 26-year-old suspect rammed into the back of the couple’s car and sped away. Police tracked down the woman, still hungry, and charged her with aggravated assault and vandalism. She may have been thinking Arby’s, but apparently not much else.

They’re Used to Bombing on Dudley FieldOn Sept. 15, an anonymous caller phoned police and claimed a bomb was going to go off at the Vanderbilt University football game already under way. The call was traced to a cell phone, and officers quickly located the suspect driving along Shelby Avenue in East Nashville. After he was arrested, the perp admitted to placing the phone call but denied making a bomb threat. Instead, he said, he was calling for help and was very angry at the time. The suspect claimed he told the dispatcher that “he felt like a bomb” and that he was going to “go off.” The 56-year-old went off, all right—to jail for making a false report.

A Blunt ConversationAfter her boyfriend came home late one night, police say an enraged 28-year-old woman began chasing him around the house, trying to brain him with a ceramic statue. According to the report, when an officer responded to the domestic dispute and attempted to cuff the suspect, she screamed, “Get your motherfuckin’ hands off me, you cracker-ass cop motherfucker.” Not even that polite entreaty dissuaded the officer from searching her purse—where he found marijuana rolled in a cigar. Luckily, she had a level-headed explanation for that too. “It’s just a motherfuckin’ blunt,” she hollered. “It ain’t no kilo, you cracker-ass cop!” The cracker-ass cop charged her with domestic assault, resisting arrest and drug possession.

Cruising for a BruisingPolice received a report that a black PT Cruiser had just crashed on the 1400 block of Eastland Avenue. When they arrived, a woman claimed she had been shopping at a nearby Kroger when someone stole her PT Cruiser and wrecked it. When she was unable to explain how she got to the accident scene, police noticed her slurred speech and unsteady moves and arrested her. “I didn’t do nothing,” she told the cops—but after admitting to being on several different types of prescription medications, she gave up the truth: “Alright, I wrecked my fucking car.” But the night was far from over. As the officer examined the accident scene, the suspect, 28, managed to escape from the back of the police car while handcuffed. She was located at a friend’s house about two hours later, where she was in possession of 36 pills—including a variety of painkillers—that were prescribed to someone else. The perp was booked for theft, evading arrest, drug possession and driving under the influence. Police also noted in their report that the handcuffs she was wearing were never returned.