Group Demands Gore Suicide

The Tennessee Center for Policy Research, which made national news a couple of weeks ago when it broke the story of Al Gore’s prodigious home energy use, has called on the former vice president to commit suicide to help the planet. “All we are asking him to do is walk the walk, not just talk the talk,” says center president Drew Johnson. “People are asked to die for their cherished beliefs all the time. If he truly believes global warming is the problem he says it is, the only honorable thing he can do is stop contributing to that problem any way he can. He should have a green funeral, decay and then he will no longer contribute carbon emissions to earth’s atmosphere. It’s the only way he can be true to his beliefs.” But a Gore spokeswoman rejects the suggestion as “impractical.” “Of course, if all humans immediately disappeared from the planet, the problem of human-caused global warming would fade away, but that’s hardly an uplifting solution. We  completely reject this ‘Jim Jones approach’ to the problem.” she adds. A middle solution, suggested by some scientists in the neurology department at Gore’s alma mater, Harvard, would have his brain preserved in a jar and wired to speech simulation software, so that he could think and speak but would live a practically carbon-emission-free existence. “I don’t think [Gore] would like a non-corporeal existence,” the spokeswoman says. “And I don’t think Tipper would like him to have one either, if you know what I mean.”