Tommy Takes Five

1. Oil!You think this crap is about Saddam having “weapons of mass destruction”? This has nothing to do with WMDs or, more properly, Ws of MD. This is 92.7 percent about crude—oil, that is, black gold, Texas tea. Saddam’s sitting on one of the richest oil deposits on the planet. He’s not even supposed to be selling most of it, yet still he back-doors enough of it to run his country. W made his fortune in oil. Cheney too. Condoleeza Rice is a former Chevron chief. These people stink of crude. They want that oil, and they’re going to get it. And why should you mind? Are you suddenly going to start bicycling everywhere tomorrow?

2. “After all, this is the guy who tried to kill my dad.”That’s right, W. And this accounts for the other 7.3 percent of why we should kick their goshdarn asses. I pine for the good old days of political dynasties like the Kennedys, but the Bushes are about all we have. I understand they’re not kickass in the charisma department, but goddamit, he’s our president and his dad was too, and mediocrity is no crime. Saddam threatened to kill his dad. If we can’t defend the honor of wrinkly Wasps who can buy and sell the average Joe, then what’s the point of even having a capitalistic country?

3. We’ve spent all this money already. I mean, look at America’s war machine. It’s a whole economy for millions of people. Millions! Look at all the poor folks who get a leg up joining the military, learning how to work all those great gadgets; they get to learn how to kill thousands of people at once from hundreds of miles away without feeling like they’ve really killed anybody!

4. That damn “weapons of mass destruction” thing.There’s only one way to get that damn depressing phrase off our televisions, and that’s to make Iraq such a greasy spot that the issue doesn’t come up anymore.

5. Reason No. 5 is because we don’t damn well need a reason No. 5. You heard that Toby Keith song? “We’ll put a boot in your ass, it’s the American way. You’ll feel like the whole world’s raining down on you, courtesy of the Red, White and Blue!” That’s bad-ass. That’s as “thug-life” as Tupac. Boy, it’ll be really cool when he sings that for the troops. And you know he will.

—Tommy Womack