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Last week’s U.S. House passage of a patients’ bill of rights has been lauded by the Bush administration as a victory. Many Democrats, on the other hand, feel the bill doesn’t go far enough to protect patients against the health care establishment. Here are some of the benefits the legislation would afford:

♦ Better waiting-room magazines

♦ More stylish hospital gowns

♦ Physicians may no longer charge for “my Patch Adams schtick”

♦ Prostate exams must be preceded by dinner and dancing

♦ Anything left inside you during surgery is yours to keep

♦ An immediate ban on “foul play” autopsies (sponsored by Rep. Gary Condit)

♦ No more nurses’ station pools on coma patients

♦ For some reason, urology will henceforth begin with a “y”

♦ Health insurance may not be denied anyone with heart disease so long as Dick Cheney is covered

♦ Plastic surgery resulting in even the slightest resemblance to Ernest Borgnine will be ruled malpractice

♦ The need for stirrups in some examinations is understandable. The use of a bit and bridle, however, is considered excessive

♦ Those people who do not wish to benefit from stem-cell research don’t have to

♦ Dr. Dre may not only suggest drugs; he may now prescribe them

♦ Get laser surgery on two eyes, and your third eye is free

♦ By 2003, all amputees will have the choice of regular or kung fu grip prostheses

♦ Prescription drug plans must include WD-40 for those patients with first generation bionics

♦ The medical profession will give alcoholics a break and stop harshing their buzz—in fact, in the eyes of their physicians and the law, habitual drinkers will revert back to their former comical, lovable, Foster Brooks/Dean Martin image

♦ Sure, go ahead and sue your HMO; Let us know how that turns out

— By Jonathan Harwell Jr.