List

Forget the Titans, Predators, and Kats. The Nashville Sounds offer Nashville sports fans the best entertainment value. Buy a ticket to a game at Greer Stadium, and you won’t just get to see the next Magglio Ordonez, Willie McGee, or Don Mattingly swing for the fences in the drama of America’s pastime. Minor-league baseball routinely thrills today’s fans with Bill Veeck-style promotions and spectacles. Unfortunately, not every idea is a homerun—leading to these least popular Nashville Sounds promotions:

♦ Sounds-Mascot-Uncomfortably-Long-Hug Night

♦ Get-Patted-on-the-Ass-for-No-Particular-Reason Day

♦ Win a chance to play T-ball with President Bush at the White House

♦ Bathe-Former-Owner-Larry-Schmittou Night

♦ First 1,000 kids receive free Tommy John surgery

♦ Steve Balboni Look-Alike Contest

♦ The Seventh-Inning Slump

♦ Catcher Humberto Cota Squat-Off

♦ Jake-The-Diamond-Dog-Gets-Neutered Night

♦ Hit it through the tire, win a set of retread Firestones

♦ Can-a-Chest-Protector-Stop-A-Bullet Night

♦ Alleged Perry March Choke-Up-On-It Clinic

♦ Sports Balm Identification Contest

♦ That’s-Not-Pine-Tar Day

♦ Ceremonial First Pinch

♦ Pitcher-With-Smokeless-Tobacco-Oral-Lesions Kissing Booth

♦ Watch the Famous Chicken get the crud kicked out of him by the New Delhi Monkey Man

♦ Strike Out With a Soundette

— By Jonathan Harwell Jr.