St. Dale?

NASCAR officials have quietly sent representatives to the Vatican to ask the Pope if the Catholic Church would consider declaring Dale Earnhardt a saint.

“The talks are preliminary, and the Church moves at a pretty deliberate pace about these things,” one NASCAR source said. “But I think we may have something to announce by the time of the Coca-Cola 600 on the Fourth of July. And don’t be surprised if one of the spectators is a guy dressed in a white robe and a big hat.”

For its part, the Vatican press office would only say that the Church doesn’t discuss its canonization procedure, and that the Pontiff had no current plans to attend a NASCAR event on the Fourth of July, or any other time.

When asked what about the life of a man who spent his career driving around in circles racing other cars would qualify him for sainthood, NASCAR president Mike Helton said, “Everybody who knew Dale knows he was a saint. This would just make it official.” And, he added, “That is a really disrespectful question.”

Helton was also asked about why NASCAR would approach the Catholic Church about canonization, since, at least by reputation, NASCAR fans tend to be Southern Protestants.

“We checked first with Billy Graham’s office, because we figured he had something to do with it, but he said we needed to talk to the Pope’s people. To put it in racing terms, the Catholics are the sanctioning body for saints.”

In other Earnhardt news, Calvin of the Calvin and Hobbes comic strip has announced that, out of respect for the late driver, he will no longer pee on block letter numeral 3, which was the racing number of Earnhardt’s car.

The representation of the little boy letting fly on Earnhardt’s number has been a back window decoration on tens of thousands of (mostly) Ford pickup trucks for the better part of 15 years.

“I just don’t feel that it’s right to urinate on Mr. Earnhardt’s number any longer,” Calvin said in a statement.