The Highly Improbable

“Did they really win?” the voice on the other end asked as soon as I picked up the phone. There was no need for the caller to identify himself, or even to elaborate on his question. If it was a Monday morning during the fall, it had to be Dee from Atlanta, the Slobodan Milosevic of Vanderbilt fans, calling either to: (a) palaver about the latest Vandy game; (b) gloat over the misfortunes of other SEC programs; (c) stew over the failure of the Braves and denounce the Yankees as advance men for the anti-Christ; or (d) time permitting between golf “meetings” with clients, all of the above.

“Yes,” I reassured him. “They really won.”

“Are you sure?” he demanded.

“Well, did your newspaper say something like: ‘Vanderbilt rallied in the fourth quarter to beat South Carolina 17-14 and snap a million-game Southeastern Conference losing streak’?”

“Yeah, but I read about astronauts on the moon, too, and you know how they faked THAT.”

“Your theory being that Vanderbilt actually lost but paid everyone to get behind a bogus story so the Dores wouldn’t go winless for the year?” I asked.

“Well, it’s just as plausible as them actually winning,” he offered.

“You didn’t watch the X-Filesright before you went to bed last night, did you?”

“That had NOTHING to do with it,” he snapped defensively.

“You’re forgetting that there were 29,000 witnesses in the stands,” I reminded him, “which is about 28,000 more than you thought would be there. Plus, Vanderbilt is going to whip out that kind of cash to buy everyone’s silence when they don’t even pay their head coach more than some SEC assistants?”

“How can they pay Joe Billy Wyatt the second-highest college president’s salary in America and not offer even a competitive deal for the most important position at the school?” he asked.

“Um, same way they can decide not to admit the best basketball player in the history of Nashville?” I shot back.

“Never mind,” he concluded.

“Well, back to your moon landing theory,” I said, “I’m not positive Joe Billy even exists. Do you realize he’s never been photographed with Ronny Cox, the actor from Deliverance who comes to Nashville sometimes? I think they’re the same person. Someone needs to look into that.”

“OK, since we’re into outrageous theories, allow me to make one: I think Vandy will be decent next year.”

“Based on them beating festered South Carolina?”

“Well, their offense has been moving the ball, their defense is still young, and if they had gotten a couple of breaks this year, they could be 3-4 now, with a chance to improve on last year’s record.

“You think Woody might actually go to Florida?” shifted Dee, fretting over a rumor that the Vandy coach might become the Gators’ new defensive coordinator at season’s end.

“Let’s see: the money’s as good, he wouldn’t have all the pressure of being a head coach, and he’d have great talent every year. Nah—he’d be crazy even to consider it.”

“Of course, he’s a little bit crazy in the first place,” mused Dee. “That’s why I always thought he was a good fit for Vandy.”

“Speaking of fits, you suppose the big dogs down at South Carolina have their shorts in a wad right now?”

“You mean now that they’re probably going to finish last—behind Vanderbilt?”

“Is it just me, or is it hard to empathize with people who combine the ideals of a university education with cockfighting?”

“It’s just you,” I assured him.

“See, I think THEY should leave the SEC before Vanderbilt does. Vandy at least has an excuse for losing.”

“Well, the coach is leaving for sure. It’s just a question now of whether he’ll be wearing tar and feathers when he goes.”

“Maybe South Carolina and Auburn could swap,” offered Dee, between wicked cackles.

“It might be hard for Terry Bowden to find a head coaching job now that he up and quit.”

“Naw, to me, that just proves how smart he is. Would you stay for that kind of abuse from the boosters if they were dumb enough to buy out your contract, and they were gonna fire you anyway after the season? Personally, I wouldn’t mind being called a gutless quitter if I got a million dollars out of it.”

“But that’s just you.”

“Right.”